From The Straits Times    |

Lace and tulle ballgown, from DIGIO BRIDAL. PHOTO: Her World Brides September – November 2013.

Before I got married, I was petrified of my in-laws. I’d met them on only a couple of occasions and because I lived in another country with my iance, I didn’t really know them. How awkward it was to be planning a wedding with virtual strangers especially when there were disagreements with the in-laws-to-be on certain matters – from decor to music and choice of pastor!

Once, about two weeks before the wedding, my future mother-in-law looked over her glasses at me and asked sternly if I would insist on his living in a busy city because it would be “like keeping a lion in a cage”. Yikes!

Now, after 10 years and two children, we know each other well and have an open and mutually respectful relationship. My in-laws have become my touchstones of life. In their son’s upbringing, I see the blueprint of my children’s future and values. I’ve come to admire their moral integrity, honesty and kindness. My mother-in-law now tells me I complement her usually reserved son with a welcome openness. I think she enjoys hearing his “secrets” from me! Instead of getting betewen them, I am the official go-between.

Sharing is caring
Every Sunday, we sit down to dinner and share our week’s experiences. We are asked for our opinions, our achievements are applauded, our disappointments taken seriously and analysed. I couldn’t really have asked for better in-laws, but then I couldn’t have had a better husband. You marry not just the man, but his family too.

“Experts say that there are six people in a marital bed because your parents’ value systems and your upbringing will inevitably have an effect on the relationship,” marriage counsellor David Kan of Family Life Centre says. “That’s why it’s crucial to understand the in-laws.”

Countless readers have written in with in-law trouble. For some, life with the in-laws is miserable as they question every aspect of child-rearing or complain to the husband about not having a key to the house.

“One partner may come from a close-knit, extroverted family while the other is from an introverted and inexpressive one. The first has many get-togethers which the other finds a chore,” David says. Questions like who pays the bills, who helps with the children or who to live closer to, also add to the conflict.

Why in-laws are difficult
“At the root of the tensions is the fact that the in-laws see their son as a child,” says David. “When a third party comes into their child’s life they worry that the spouse may influence him and put a distance between them. Difficult in-law behaviour boils down to insecurity.”

So what are the best strategies to win your in-laws’ approval, trust and friendship? The key, experts say, is to connect and stay connected.

Tips for getting along with your in-laws.

  1.  Put ourselves in their shoes. They may be insecure and want to remain a part of their child’s life.
  2. Take time to observe the family and how the other siblings deal with the in-laws and learn from them.
  3. Discuss your in-laws with your spouse because he understands them best. Establish what their expectations are.
  4. Befriend your in-laws. Show them the respect they need and get them involved in decisions like how to decorate your house. This helps them feel part of your household and part of your lives.
  5. Build good communication habits such as clarifying your needs, understanding your in-laws and work on them understanding you later, and developing good listening skills. Read between the lines and find out what the core issue is.
This article was first published in Her World Brides September – November 2003.