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“A few years ago, I lost my unborn baby. His heart stopped beating all of a sudden. After a long holiday and lots of journal writing, I felt as though I had overcome the despair of losing a child. I was somewhat emotionally stable and life went on as usual. Months after this traumatic incident, I began having sleepless nights and soon found myself constantly thinking and losing weight. But I could not climb out of this spiral of emotions, and began falling deeper and deeper into what I now realise was a major case of depression.
How it all started
To be honest, I don’t even remember how it started. Depression just came out of nowhere and hit me. The first thing that happened was losing sleep. I found myself tossing and turning in bed night after night. My mind would swim in thoughts that popped up without reason and had no conclusion. The feeling of being unhappy with life, and thoughts of how life was unfair to me, constantly played in my mind. I had mood swings now and then but didn’t think much about it. I thought I had done enough to get over losing a child, but now, I realise it was eating me up inside. My mind got the better of me and once I started losing sleep, I became conscious of that and worried about being sleep deprived. It was a vicious cycle.
Soon, anxiety set in. I experienced cold sweats and could not eat; I hid from people and stayed in my room. But something in me pushed me to go back to work as it was important. Although I was feeling constantly edgy and a little crazy, I controlled myself because I was afraid someone would find out my secret – I didn’t know what they would think of me. I was ashamed.
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During this time, I began having thoughts about how I would rather die than go through this turmoil. It dawned on me why some successful people took their own lives: it was because they could no longer control their mind. I felt helpless and didn’t know what to do. It was hard for me to confide in anyone.
I lost more weight from not having any appetite; I could not even put food into my mouth at one stage. I believed that to avoid embarrassing my family, death was an easy way out – overdosing on pills would be the most convenient way to take my life.
But deep down, I knew this misery was not meant to be my life. I had to get out of it, if not for myself, then for my mother who had sacrificed a lot for me during my childhood.
My husband didn’t know
My husband is not an affectionate man and he isn’t very good with handling tough situations. When we lost our child, it was as tough on him as it was on me. So when I spiralled out of control, I knew telling him would make things worse – he would have taken it as a major catastrophe. Our relationship today is cordial, but I don’t think I will ever tell him what I went through. Besides, I’ve never really felt that he contributed in any way to my depression. Yes, perhaps I should have told him, but being married to him for so long, I knew he wasn’t the right person to turn to. Not having his help drove me to work harder to get myself out of depression. In many ways, it was truly a fight that only I could fight as it was all in my mind. No one else could go into my mind and help cure this. I had to do it myself.
Also read: “I battled depression after a car accident left me paralysed, then my marriage fell apart”
Journey to recovery
I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but I did meet with a doctor friend who advised me to take anti-depressants. I didn’t, because I read up on the side effects and that scared me too! So, I decided to heal myself naturally. I began writing in my gratitude journal again, this time more consistently. I read extensively on how to deal with how I felt. I also started to practise yoga again on a regular basis with a teacher who came to my house. The stretching and proper breathing techniques really helped to calm my nerves and then, my mind. I also took long baths with essential oils and candles, which encouraged calmness. And of course, I kept a good sleep pattern. Even now I still have a proper daily routine to keep myself occupied. The reason for this is my fear of going off the rails again. To be quite frank, suffering from depression was even scarier than losing my child. Losing yourself is worse! Becoming crazy and having no control over your mind, I don’t want to ever go back there. Now, I am stronger mentally and have equipped myself with tools that can help me manage my mood. After what I went through, every day is a gift. I am more aware of my surroundings. I appreciate things more. I am calmer, focused and live in the present. It’s changed my whole perspective of life. I used to think that money and power is the definition of happiness. But today, I know money can’t buy happiness. And this experience also taught me to be kind to others. I am no longer the person I used to be.”
Also read: How to fix things when you and your spouse don’t talk anymore
This article was first published in Her World Malaysia, March 2016.