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Do you know the right buttons to push to get your man all excited? What about sexy spots on your body you’d like him to explore. Here are some surprising pleasure zones you might not know about:
On him
1. Ears
There are many nerve endings in your ears, which is why it feels so good to clean them with a cotton bud. Gently flick your tongue along the crevices of your man’s ears and behind them, or blow gently to create a buzz, to stimulate these nerves.
2. Neck
The neck is another erogenous zone for men, especially the back of the neck. Give him a slow neck massage while nibbling his earlobe to increase his arousal.
3. Inner thighs
Run your fingers or gently scrape your nails up and down along this sensitive area to arouse your hubby. Feather-light touches at an area so close to his scrotum (which, you will know, is another pleasure zone) will make him anticipate you moving higher up to his groin area.
4. Feet
Many people love foot reflexology because it’s so relaxing. There are also nerves at the bottom of your feet that connect to your sexual organs, so giving hubby a loving foot rub increases blood circulation to get him in the mood for sex.
On you
5. Nape and scalp
Have your hubby gently touch, tap, stroke, kiss, suck or bite your nape, says Christina. You may also find it erotic when he massages your scalp firmly or tugs your hair. Not everyone will feel the same sort of pleasure. Some may find it relaxing, while others may feel sexually aroused and may even have an orgasm from just having their nape kissed or hair pulled.
6. Armpits
Your underarms are packed with nerve endings and are very sensitive. Get your hubby to lick and stroke the area, suggests Martha. But while it’s pleasurable, you’re unlikely to get an orgasm out of it.
You may also find yourselves aroused by each other’s underarm scent, thanks to human pheromones believed to be present in armpit secretions. Pheromones make us seem more attractive to the opposite sex, explains Daryn.
7. Tailbone
Various nerves pass close to your tailbone before branching out into your genital area. Stimulating it can deeply arouse and relax you. Ask your hubby to massage, kiss, stroke or lick your tailbone. Can it lead to an orgasm? With practice and allowing yourself to really experience the pleasure, it’s possible, says Daryn.
8. Wrists
Our wrists are very sensitive but we usually only use them to test if our baby’s milk is too hot. Put your wrists to a more adult – and pleasurable – use. Get your hubby to stroke, lick and kiss them. Don’t forget the area around it and halfway up the elbow.
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If you aren’t a gymnast by training, some sex moves can be a bit too much for your body to handle. Spare yourself the strain and pain with these simple yoga stretches. Over time, they’ll help you develop stronger and leaner muscles for hotter, more satisfying sex.
1 Bridge Pose
Do it: Lie on your back with your knees bent, arms flat by your side, and your feet as close to your buttocks as possible. Press your feet down and raise your buttocks and hips up. Hold for 30 seconds. Repeat three times.
Love it: This strengthens your pelvic muscle and your core – and bonus! – when doing thus pose, blood rushes to your genitals, increasing libido.
Use it: With your man on top and a cushion under your lower back if required.
2 Child’s Pose
Do it: Kneel down with your knees separated and your big toes touching. Bend forward, placing your forehead on the floor, but keeping your buttocks on your feet. Stretch your arms above your head, hip distance apart, with palms facing down. Hold for two to five minutes.
Love it: From the description above, this sounds like just lying down, or getting into a position suited for hangovers. But not only does this elongate your core and open your hips, it also releases tension from your shoulders and neck.
Use it: Before sex. It will relax your mind and body, and get you concentrating on your breathing (instead of your kids’ exams).
3 Cobbler Pose
Do it: Sit upright, bend your knees and press the soles of your feet together. Bring your heels as close to your pelvis as possible, keeping your back straight. Hold for one to five minutes.
Love it: This opens your hips and stretches your inner thighs, increasing flexibility. Work the move harder by pressing your knees down towards the floor as closely as possible.
Use it: With the regular ‘missionary position’. You can move your legs around your man’s body, or lift your knees up to your ears during lovemaking.
4 Camel Pose
Do it: Kneel down with your hands supporting your lower back. Push your hips forward as you arch and slowly drop your head backwards. Hold for 20 seconds. Repeat three times.
Love it: A great hip and chest opener – as well as back strengthener.
Use it: When you’re on top.
5 Plank Pose
Do it: Start on all fours with hands under your shoulders. Lift your knees until your legs are straight and your hips are in line with your shoulders – think of yourself as ‘a plank’. Keep your core tight and pull your belly into your spine. Hold for 30 seconds. Repeat twice.
Love it: Not only will this improve your stomach muscles, enhance upper arm definition and tone your buttocks, it’ll help you move with elegance during transitions from one sex position to another.
Use it: When he’s behind.
6 Tree Pose
Do it: Shift your weight to your left foot and stand tall. Bring your right knee up and place your foot on your inner left thigh. Keeping your left leg strong, place your palms together in front of your chest. Hold for 30 seconds. Repeat on the other side.
Love it: This move teaches calm and control. It won’t aid flexibility, but it will assist with connecting with your partner during sex.
Use it: For controlled breathing.
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These positions will help you to get that perfect landing. Orgasm with minimal effort, every time.
The C.A.T. (Coital Alignment Technique)
What it is: Get into the missionary position, but spread your legs slightly wider apart than you normally would. Once he is inside you, your man then slides his body upwards, towards your head, so that your jaw is just touching his shoulder. His pelvis should be aligned with yours, and his hips, pushed downward. From here, he moves in a slow rocking motion.
Why it works: Most women cannot climax without clitoral stimulation, and this more sensual version of the missionary position addresses that problem. It is also a proven and effective way for you and Hubby to orgasm simultaneously.
The Leapfrog
What it is: Get on your hands and knees, and, keeping your hips raised, lower your head and arms on the bed. You can rest your head and arms on a pillow if you wish. Your buttocks should be up in the air, so that your body resembles an inverted V from the side. Have your man kneel behind you and enter you slowly. He can hold onto your hips or buttocks as he moves.
Why it works: This twist on the traditional doggie-style position allows for deeper penetration and helps stimulate your G-spot.
Crouching cowgirl
What it is: Have your man lie on his back while you straddle him. Unlike the regular Cowgirl or Woman-On-Top position, which requires you to kneel, the Crouching Cowgirl requires you to squat over your man. From this position, slowly lower yourself onto Hubby. Rest your hands on his thighs as you move. Let your feet support most of your weight. Try not to lean backwards too much or you might find it difficult to balance. Your man can hold onto your legs or buttocks and guide your body up and down, or he can hold your waist to help you keep your balance. This position is especially effective if Hubby is not very well endowed.
Why it works: This position leaves your man free to stimulate your clitoris and caress your breasts and inner thighs. It also allows for easier stimulation of your G-spot.
The rocking horse
What it is: Ask Hubby to sit on the bed or floor. He can either cross his legs or stretch them out in front of him. Get him to lean back, supporting his weight on his arms. Now climb on top of him, allow him to enter you, and wrap your thighs around his hips. Instead of keeping your upper body straight or tilted back, angle it slightly forward so that your chest is just grazing your man’s chest. From here, move yourself up and down.
Why it works: Angling your body forward positions your clitoris right up against the base of Hubby’s penis. As you move up and down, your clitoris rubs against the shaft, increasing your chances of an orgasm.
The butterfly
What it is: Lay on your back, with your hips resting on the edge of the bed. Have your hubby stand in front of you and enter from this position. He may have to bend his knees slightly, depending on his height and the height of the bed. Now, lift your legs and put them over your man’s shoulders. Tilt your hips upward a little – you can rest your hips or waist on a pillow or cushion if you wish.
Why it works: Also known as the Modified Missionary, this position gives the perfect angle for deep penetration.
Sensual spooning
What it is: Lay on your side. Part your legs a little and get Hubby to spoon you from behind. As he thrusts in and out of you slowly, have him kiss your face and neck and stimulate your clitoris with his free hand. At the same time, you can reach behind you and stroke his penis.
Why it works: Spooning is one of the most comfortable and intimate sex positions out there. It is wonderful if you love close, face-to-face contact with your guy.
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Not every couple is completely in sync with one another, particularly when it comes to their sex drive. It’s important to talk about differences with your partner and seek ways to resolve them.
Choose a time when you are both calm and rational, and be specific about your needs, desires, and concerns. Work on identifying your needs – sexually, physically, emotionally – and then communicating this. For example, if you can’t get turned on unless you feel close to your partner, tell him what you need; that you want to do more things as a couple, or have him help out more at home, or that you value the small things like a cup of coffee in bed or a love note.
If you’re slow to warm up, having your partner give you a body massage, foot rub, or a few minutes of no-pressure cuddling can help. Reassure your partner that saying “no, not tonight,” is not a personal rejection, but also consider his needs as legitimate and see how you can meet those needs.
Here are some strategies that can help with libido imbalance:
1. Touch affectionately (without it leading to sex)
Women have a strong need for affection without sexual overtones, so it can be a turn off when their partners only touch them when they want sex. Bringing back non-sexual cuddles and kisses can help spark intimacy again.
2. Compromise
Find a happy medium that works for both of you. This means finding ways to get in the mood or have sex even when you don’t feel like it, just as he will have to accept not having sex on nights when he wants to.
3. Schedule Sex
It isn’t just for overly busy couples – scheduling sex can cut the uncomfortable dynamics of one person always asking for sex and the other person saying no. You might be surprised that your sex drive increases when the frequency of sex increases.
4. Redefine Sex
Think of sex in other ways, where you can bring your partner to orgasm without involving full-blown sex. Consider mutual masturbation, sex toys, phone sex, sharing fantasies or reading each other erotic stories.
5. Rethink When You Have Sex
Do you usually have sex at the end of the day, when you are tired and stressed? Or after drinking alcohol when you’re groggy and sleepy? If so, try and tailor your sex life around the times you actually feel frisky, instead of just convenient times.
6. See A Counsellor
For some couples, mismatched libidos are a symptom of a bigger problem. Mistrust, bad communication, low self-esteem, sexual guilt, unaddressed resentment and hostility can all lead to sexual disconnection. A trained specialist can help wade through all the emotions and take the pressure off.
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Climaxing at the same time – impossible? Perhaps not.
It’s certainly uncommon in real life, say sex experts we consulted. So don’t fret if your lovemaking doesn’t seem to match those onscreen scenes. “It’s the exception rather than the rule for most couples,” says Dr Calvin Fones, consultant psychiatrist at Gleneagles Medical Centre. “However, you can achieve it with your husband with some practice.”
Experts are quick to point out that it’s not a big issue if you and your hubby don’t come together. “It really isn’t a problem not to achieve it. Practising it can be fun but it’s not essential to lovemaking. So don’t become anxious or put too much emphasis on it – or it may reduce your enjoyment of sex in general,” adds Dr Fones.
Why it’s so elusive
“Simultaneous orgasms require women to hurry and men to hold back,” says Martha Lee, founder and clinical sexologist of sexuality and intimacy coaching company Eros Coaching. “To reach a climax, most women usually need other forms of stimulation, like clitoral stimulation, in addition to penetrative intercourse. Even if she can reach an orgasm during penetrative intercourse, there’s the question of whether the man has learnt to time and synchronise his ejaculation with her orgasm. Some men may not wish to do so because they prefer not to hold back.”
Dr Fones adds that many women might not be aware of how to time their own orgasms, or have the ability to come when they want.
Clinical sexologist Professor P. Ganesan Adaikan, from the Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at the National University Hospital (NUH), describes simultaneous orgasms as a chance effect for many couples. “Each person’s timing and ability to achieve climax varies, and depends on many factors. For example, how intensely or how often a woman orgasms can be affected by where she is in her monthly cycle, or how long it’s been since she last climaxed.”
So why bother trying?
If it’s so difficult to achieve, is it really worth the trouble? Chloe*, 40, a broker, doesn’t think it’s worth the effort: “It was easy to get turned on and climax together in the beginning of our relationship, but now we usually can’t be bothered. It involves a lot of hard work to stimulate each other until we’re both at the same height of pleasure, especially after more than 10 years of marriage. Nowadays, sad to say, our lovemaking has become slightly formulaic.”
However, there are benefits for those who try. “Climaxing at the same time can provide a different kind of mutual enjoyment,” says Dr Fones. “After all, sex is about giving and receiving pleasure. To have that simultaneously intense moment is both exciting and pleasurable.” He cites a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that says coming together improves sexual satisfaction, feelings of partnership and gives better overall mental health.
Climaxing simultaneously also takes away worries like whether the other partner managed to reach orgasm, adds Prof Adaikan. “Climaxing together, with the accompanying hugging, moaning and groaning, also gives a heightened sense of intimacy and closeness, compared to times when you don’t climax together. Although it doesn’t mean that you won’t have these loving feelings if you both climax at different times.”
Teach him to hold back
Helping your man learn how to control his ejaculation timing is key to climaxing at the same time, say our experts. Teach him these tips:
1 Do kegel exercises regularly
Yes, men should also do kegel exercises. He needs to squeeze his pubococcygeus muscles (the muscles used to stop urine flow) together, hold for a few seconds, and release. Repeat at least 10 times to form one set, and do three sets a day. Stronger muscles will give him increased control.
2 Learn the start-stop technique
Get him familiar with his body’s signals when he’s about to climax. During sex, before he reaches the point of no return, he should consciously minimise stimulation and relax his body. Start again after that; the more he practises, the easier it’ll be to delay his climax.
3 Practise the squeeze method
Ask him to tell you when he feels the urge to release. You should then use your hand to firmly squeeze his penis just below the head for a few seconds. It’s supposed to decrease blood flow and block the urethra. Continue making love when he’s more relaxed again. He can practise this multiple times with you during the same session, and he’ll eventually be able to control his timing without utilising the technique.
You can help too
Martha Lee tells you how you can work your way to that shared loving feeling.
4 Prep yourself for an orgasm during sex
This might include stimulating your clitoris using his or your fingers, or a sex toy, during intercourse. When you are both ready to have orgasms, intensify the stimulation to trigger it.
5 Get mechanical
His hand or tongue can get tired but not a vibrator. One of you holding a vibrator over your clitoral area during penetrative sex is an effective way of ensuring a shared orgasmic experience, since the added stimulation can help to trigger your climax at the desired time.
6 Exploit the advantages of multiple orgasms
Women are physiologically more capable of having multiple orgasms. Your partner can try to reach his peak when you have an orgasm for the second, third or fourth time.
Getting there together
Take these tips from Martha:
7 Learn when each other is reaching a climax
It can be as direct as telling your hubby so that both of you can relax into the sensation, or establishing pre-determined cues like hand grips or quick nods. Other telltale cues include holding your breath or certain facial expressions that each person tends to make just before climaxing. Giving and recognising these signals can help each partner decide how much to hold back. Hearing, seeing and feeling your partner’s arousal also helps to trigger orgasms, making it easier to climax at the same time.
8 Try the woman-on-top position
Being on top gives you both easy access to your clitoris. When you’re nearing orgasm, you simply need to speed up, which can bring him to his own climax.
9 Expand your definition of a simultaneous O
Orgasms can also be achieved through manual or oral stimulation. Try the 69 position, where his mouth is touching your vaginal lips while your mouth is around his penis – it makes it easier to achieve simultaneous orgasms. It can also serve as a springboard to full-on intercourse.
10 Get rhythmic
Music has a powerful effect on our emotions, and can be a potent tool in expressing your sexuality when you’re making love. Try music that establishes a clear rhythm and motivates you to keep going at the same pace.
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A man’s testosterone levels peak in the morning. This, combined with nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT) – also known as morning wood – makes morning a great time to have sex. We get the experts to suggest ways to make morning sex great for you and your man – from his point of view.
Do These The Night Before
Follow these steps the night before to wake up in a world all set for sex.
Make the bed with Egyptian cotton sheets
They’ll regulate her body temperature, which quickens the blood flow around her body, making her more easily aroused.
Get some peppermint oil to dab on your pillow
Researchers at West Virginia University in the US found its smell increases alertness – cutting the chances of a mumbled “Not now”.
Leave a gap in the curtains
“Melatonin lets us sleep, but blocks our sex hormones,” says Dr Mehmet Oz. “Sunshine causes a decrease, increasing sex drive.”
Place some mouth spray by the bed
“Women’s noses are more sensitive,” says sex therapist Dr Joy Davidson.
Wake Up With A Bang
The key is in getting the timing perfect. Learn to sync your early morning body chemistry to get the most out of your session.
Body clock
Research from the Brigham and Women’s Hospital in the US found that her wake-up cycle is six minutes shorter than yours. Set your alarm to 6.39am, so your brain catches up with hers.
Body temperature
Your body temperature is lowest at 4am and peaks in the morning at around 10am,” says physician Dr Kelly Travers. Research from Canada’s McGill University shows it takes 10 minutes for her body to heat up enough to become sexually aroused. So, pull her close and spoon to maximise contact. You’ll warm her up, literally and figuratively.
Testosterone
“Levels are 30 per cent higher in men in the morning,” says Dr Tammy Nelson author of Getting the Sex You Want. According to the American Journal of Clinical Chemistry, testosterone is highest in a man’s body between 4am and 8am. And the good news is, that goes for her, too. Top up her arousal by stroking her hairline. A study in Nature Neuroscience revealed this stimulates “C-tactile nerve fibres” that trigger the pleasure zone in her brain.
A word of advice: if you want to top-notch quality testosterone in the morning, go to bed early the night before. A US study found that sleep was one of the most important factors contributing to morning and overall testosterone levels.
It’s Too Early To Try The Helicopter
Choose the right sexual position for more pleasure and less work.
Doggy style
Although this requires considerable amount of energy and coordination, the good thing is, from here, you can encourage her to experiment. “While we’re half asleep, we can bypass our busy minds and experiment in ways she may normally resist,” says Dr Nelson.
Missionary
This is one of the positions that require the most amount of energy from you, and minimal from her; not much coordination is needed either. The plus: This move puts pressure on her bladder. “When women tighten to control a full bladder, it’s the same musculature used for orgasms,” says Lou Paget, author of How to be a Great Lover.
T-square
This position requires some explanation. Get her to lie on her back and raise her knees. Slip yourself under her knees to enter her (your pelvis should be under her knee area). Your body will be perpendicular to hers, forming a T. This move requires minimal energy but a little more coordination. Nonetheless, the “T” shape is a great low-energy morning position, says sex blogger Betty Herbert. Lazy morning sex at its best.
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Reading is good for you. It’s good for your sex life too. The sex experts share the great lessons they’ve learnt from erotica and self-help books.
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR SEX LIFE
Make the first move; don’t just wait for him to initiate sex. Also, a bold display of power will turn him on as it appeals to his instinctive desire to be taken care of. And when a woman takes charge, there’s an interesting shift in dynamics that may even increase her libido.
From The Great Lover Playbook: 365 Sexual Tips and Techniques to Keep the Fires Burning All Year Long by Lou Paget
This is well organised and fun to read, and has plenty of tips to help couples reach deeper levels of intimacy by learning how to really please each other.
– Dr Martha Stanley, sexpert for www.smartdivaonline.com
THIS SUMS IT UP
“It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature. We must unpack our ambivalence about pleasure, and challenge our pervasive discomfort with sexuality… Complaining of sexual boredom is easy and conventional. Nurturing eroticism in the home is an act of open defiance.”
From Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
It makes you rethink what you know. You learn something new in every chapter, from sex to love, and relationships. There are themes like adventure vs captivity, intimacy vs sex, parenthood, fidelity and eroticism.
–Dr Martha Lee, clinical sexologist and owner of Eros Coaching
TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT
Communication, both inside and outside the bedroom, is key to a healthier sex life. Also, it’s important to make time for sex. Stop procrastinating, stop compartmentalising, and don’t wait for the urge to hit or the perfect life to fall into place. There are many reasons to not have sex, so list down the things that make sex great and plan for it every other day or once a week, at the very least. Generally, couples who plan for sex have more of it, as the more sex they’re having, the more they’ll want it. Recent memories are a powerful stimulant for a reenactment.
From Real Sex for Real Women: Intimacy, Pleasure and Sexual Wellbeing by Laura Berman
This delves deep into the topic of sex. Berman says to have great sex, a woman needs to first understand what real sex means and what it’s all about, be confident about her body, set realistic expectations for her sex life and learn to maximise pleasure.
– Dr Stanley
GREAT SEX REQUIRES VARIETY
Take your time to enjoy each other, let go of your inhibitions and enjoy the moment.
From 1001 Nights of Passion and Pleasure by Eleanor McKenzie and Linda Sonntag
Like a sex manual with a difference, this lists everything you need for a night of passion – like great seduction or foreplay ideas, even illustrating an erotic position for even more imaginative sex. If you’re looking for a visual guide to better sex, this is it!
–Dr Lee
MASTER THE STROKES AND COMBINATIONS
While there’s nothing wrong with performing the same winning technique, it’s good to experiment with as many combinations as possible. Ask him what he likes and find his “secret” spot. The sooner you discover what makes your man tick, the better for the both of you. More importantly, keep a consistent rhythm and don’t rush through the act.
From The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure by Violet Blue
It teaches women to give skilled and unforgettable oral pleasure, and to learn to enjoy it too.
– Dr Stanley
BE MORE SELF- INDULGENT
Stop negative thoughts and allow for role-play.
From The Art of The Quickie by Joel D. Block
This coaches you on the ins-and-outs of having rewarding but quick sex. Sex doesn’t always have to be a feast where you need to schedule time or get romantic first. Who says you can’t have quick, satisfying snacks anytime, anywhere?
–Dr Lee
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A playful romp in the shower can be a great way to spice of your sex life. Not only do you have some fun outside of the bedroom but you and Hubby can get sparkly clean at the same time. Water also acts as the perfect lubricant and may make penetration easier. Clinical sexologist Dr Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching tells us five of the best moves for great shower sex.
1 Put on a show
If your man is reluctant to do shower sex, you can easily get him in the mood with this super-hot move.
“Ask your partner to sit somewhere in the bathroom. Apply shower gel on your shower loofah or handheld scrubber. Tell him he can watch but not touch you, before proceeding to touch yourself using the foamy scrubber,” Martha says.
Think of it as a lap dance routine, suggests Martha: “Be sure to have the water runs over your breasts as you slowly massage your body. Add sounds of pleasure or delight as you unleash your inner vixen. It’s then up to you whether you want to allow him to jump in and touch you.”
2 Doggie style
There are many surfaces of different heights you can work with in the bathroom. These will aid you in positioning yourself for maximum pleasure.
Martha says, “Prop one foot up on the edge of the bath tub or toilet bowl. Bend forward with your palms against a wall for stability. Ask your partner to lift one leg a bit higher as he enters you. He can then hold your hips so he can penetrate more deeply.”
3 Invest in the right tools
The shower can be slippery! Avoid mishap by installing handles along the shower walls to help you get a good grip in various different sex positions. “For instance, a dual locking suction handle can give you something to hold on to in doggie position – no slipping!” says Martha.
Another handy tool you can use is a single locking suction foot rest, to support you when in your awkward angle. You can find bathroom accessories like these at The Golden Concepts. Martha encourages you to get creative: “With some practice, you can navigate your way into lots of different positions with these handles.”
4 Sex toys
It can get cramped in a small bathroom. If you cannot find a comfortable position, it is helpful to add a sex toy into the mix to speed up arousal. This can also enhance the experience and intensify your orgasms.
Martha: “There are lots of water-resistant, splash-proof and even safe-to-be submerged sex toys on the market.” Check out the extensive range of waterproof products at online store Cherry Affairs.
5 Be straightforward
Sometimes less is more. Martha reminds us that “sex in the shower doesn’t need to be acrobatic. The intimacy of the water enveloping both of you can feel sensuous and romantic at the same time.”
Simply face your partner so he can touch your breasts and butt while kissing you. You can wrap one of your legs around him as he enters you.
“There is no time like making time.” Martha says. Regardless of your preference for a particular time of day, “shower sex anytime of the day can help wake up your body, so why not give it a go?”
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Don’t let your insecurities and anxiety get in the way of a great time with your partner. Here are some concerns many women have at different ages, and how to deal with each of them:
IN YOUR 20s
SEX CONCERN: NOT FEELING COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR BODY
Address it! You may still be getting used to your more womanly shape, leaving you feeling insecure about certain aspects of your body, like the cellulite on your thighs or your belly roll. You also may not know your way around your anatomy.
This is normal, says Vanessa Marin, a sex and relationship therapist from San Francisco. “It’s hard to enjoy the physical sensations of sex if you don’t have a good relationship with your body. Wanting to have better sex can be great motivation to develop this relationship with yourself.” She suggests exploring your body to learn about your anatomy. Certain activities, like dancing and yoga, can also help you gain confidence and accept your body and the way it moves.
SEX CONCERN: NOT KNOWING HOW TO ORGASM
Address it! “If you want to have orgasms, you have to learn what your body likes, on your own,” Vanessa shares. “Learn what strokes please you and where your erogenous zones are.”
IN YOUR 30s
SEX CONCERN: FEELING UNSEXY
Address it! If you have children in your 30s, you are likely to go through a massive transition in your relationship with sex: Your body will have gone through considerable changes that might take some time to adjust to.
Your relationship may also feel strained from all the changes in your life. Plus, it can be hard to feel the desire for sex when you’re exhausted from caring for your little one. Vanessa says new mums need to cut themselves some slack and allow themselves time to adjust to all the new changes.
It’s also important to make time for yourself and do things that make you feel good, whether that means going for monthly spa treatments, working out or taking a dance class to feel more body-confident.
SEX CONCERN: LOSS OF SEXUAL SPARK
Address it! If you’ve been in your relationship for a while now, chances are you might fi nd it harder to maintain the chemistry that originally drew you to your par tner. Sex can start to feel routine, boring and unenticing.
Dr Ann Tan, a gynaecologist and obstetrician at the Women & Fetal Centre, adds that if you and your spouse are new parents and have busy work schedules to boot, you may not have the energy to make love, and this can certainly have an impact on your sexual desire.
To bring back the spark, Vanessa suggests trying new things in the bedroom: Buy a few sex toys to experiment with, talk to your partner about changing up your sexual routine or attend a sex workshop together to get new ideas.
SEX CONCERN: FERTILITY WORRIES
Address it! If you are having trouble conceiving, it can stress you out emotionally, says Dr Tan. That anxiety and worry, compounded by other challenges in your life, can take their toll, dampening your sexual desire and even affecting your relationship with your spouse, making sex uncomfortable and awkward.
Dr Tan suggests discussing your fertility worries with your gynaecologist to see how they can be resolved. To relieve your anxiety, remind yourself that sex is a pleasurable, loving act, and make it a point to let go of your fertility worries and just enjoy yourself when you are in bed with your husband. In short: Try not to let your anxiety consume you.
Meditation and activities like a massage prior to sex can help you get into a more relaxed state.
IN YOUR 40s
SEX CONCERT: DISCOMFORT FROM PERIMENOPAUSAL SYMPTOMS
Address it! Hot fl ashes and vaginal dryness, which result from fluctuating hormone levels, can decrease your sexual enjoyment, says Dr Tan.
You may find that you’re not as easily aroused and are less sensitive to your partner’s caresses. A lack of vaginal lubrication can also make intercourse painful.
Stress, medication, bladder control problems and other health issues like fibroids or endometriosis can also lower your sexual desire.
To tackle vaginal dryness, use lubrication whenever you have sex. While it may sometimes be hard to force yourself to get in the mood for sex, you can still connect with your partner intimately through kissing and hugging, indulging in foreplay or giving each other a massage; you could also try new positions that might make intercourse more comfortable.
SEX CONCERN: DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY
Address it! At this stage of your life, Dr Tan says you may face a range of stresses and problems – your kids’ education and well-being, financial or legal issues, difficulties in your marriage and/or career, and personal problems stemming from your changing body.
All of these can affect you emotionally and have an impact on your libido. If you feel that you are suffering from anxiety or depression, speak to a counsellor who can help you manage your emotions. Getting your partner to understand what you’re going through and empathise with you can also help.
Instead of shutting your husband out, open up to him about your anxieties and try to work it out together or with a counsellor.
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You haven’t just given birth, over-limbered at the gym, or attempted to show your girlfriends that yes, you can still do a split, on a recent night out. But for some reason, your lady parts are causing discomfort during sex.
“Painful sex, medically known as dyspareunia, is a common problem,” says Dr Kelly Loi, gynaecologist, obstetrician and medical director at the Health and Fertility Centre for Women. “I see around two to three patients a month about it.”
The difficulty is pinpointing why sex is painful is that it may not be just physical – there could be psychological reasons, too.
“This is why communication is paramount,” adds Dr Loi. “The couple must seek help sooner rather than later because if the issue manifests, cracks could start appearing in the entire relationship.”
There are number of reasons why lovemaking can suddenly become unbearable and the majority can be diagnosed. Read on so you can understand your body better, and provide only the right kind of screams in the heat of the moment.
Ouch! A retroverted womb
If there’s any sexual move that’s easily mastered, it’s the one that involves us just, well, lying on our back. However, Dr Christopher Chong, urogynaecologist and gynaecologist at Gleneagles Hospital, says around 20 per cent of women have a retroverted uterus – their womb is tipped backwards and points towards the rectum, making the missionary position painful.
“A retroverted uterus also comes with ovaries and fallopian tubes that are tipped backwards, and can get ‘butted’ by the head of the penis during intercourse,” Dr Chong explains. Two words: Passion killer.
Turn it into oohs!
Your gynaecologists can determine whether you have a retroverted uterus. During sex with your man, give alternative positions, such rear-entry, a whirl. “These tend to cause no pain for those with a retroverted uterus,” says Dr Chong.
Ouch! Stressing out about sex
“The vagina is a stretchy organ,” says Dr Chong. “If a baby can exit it, there’s little chance a penis will have trouble entering it.” But only as long as you’re stimulated enough prior to entry, he adds.
Turn it into oohs!
“Go slow,” suggests Dr Chong. “Ensure that you’re lubricated, have had sufficient foreplay and you’re not stressed, as this can cause the vaginal muscles to cramp up. Take your time, don’t concentrate on his manhood but how your body feels, and be patient.”
Importantly, talk to your husband. He needs to know he must be gentle and loving. “Deep continuous movements can only happen once you’ve relaxed into things,” says Dr Chong.
Ouch! You have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
IBS is a condition that can include symptoms like abdominal pain, bloat, and constipation or diarrhoea. These symptoms can contribute to painful sex. “The intestines are very close to the pelvic area,” says Dr Chong. “Having sex when you have IBS can cause friction due to the movement during intercourse, and cause further inflammation to the intestines. ”
Turn it into oohs!
Start by treating your IBS – talk to your doctor about ways to reduce symptoms, including diet, medication and managing stress. Meditation techniques and longer foreplay can reduce your anxiety and make you feel more relaxed during intercourse.
Ouch! You’re breastfeeding
How can parts up there affect parts down there? Pain during sex is common in breastfeeding women due to hormones, not your actual bits. “Oestrogen is the hormone that helps keep the vagina lubricated and flexible,” explains Dr Loi. “But when women are breastfeeding, their oestrogen levels are lower than usual, which in turn hampers the production of natural lubrication.”
Turn it into oohs!
Oestrogen pessaries or creams can help reduce dryness and vaginal lubricants can also help. Both are available from pharmacies.
Ouch! Endometriosis
This condition – where the lining of the uterus starts growing in other areas –can cause sensitivity and pain, especially if the growth is near the vaginal wall. Sex can become painful due to inflammation and friction during lovemaking.
Turn it into oohs!
“A biopsy of cells can decipher whether you’re a sufferer and where the growth is happening,” says Dr Chong. “Certain contraceptive pills can lessen the symptoms of endometriosis, and Panadol can help reduce pain.”
Couples can also benefit from positions that avoid deep moves, like spooning, where Hubby lies behind you. This creates less pressure on sensitive areas.
Ouch! An infection down there
Urine and yeast infections, as well as genital herpes, can turn sex into a chore, too. “It depends on the infection and how far it has spread, but herpes can cause blisters which are tender when touched,” warns Dr Chong. “Also, small scrapes or cuts at the entrance to the vagina can feel torturous upon friction.”
Turn it into oohs!
Most genital infections can be cleared with a course of antibiotics. “See your doctor immediately and avoid sex altogether until the issue is solved,” says Dr Chong. “Many infections are not only contractable, but they’ll worsen if you continue making love when your body is unwell.” Also, check with your doctor about whether your husband will also need tests.
Ouch! Vaginismus
Vaginismus is the involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles. Spasms then start to occur inside the vagina, effectively shutting it down completely. “When this happens, penetration will hurt,” explains Dr Loi. Some causes for it are stress, fear, or not being physically or emotionally in the right headspace for sex at that time.
Turn it into oohs!
All is not lost. See your gynaecologist, who can carry out an internal examination. Also, says Dr Loi, “Practice kegel exercises once a day. Pull the muscles that you use to stop yourself going to the toilet tight, and hold for 10 seconds.” Do this twice a day, holding for ten seconds at a time.