Not being on the same page in bed shouldn’t mean a boring sex life. Discover and understand what works differently for you and your spouse and adapt to each other’s sexual preferences.
Unsure about yours and your husband’s sex personality? Take this couples’ quiz: Answer all 10 questions, choosing a, b or c. Then get your husband to do the same. At the end of the quiz, check your scores and find your sex personality and how to maximise your pleasure and intimacy together – no matter what you score.
Improve your time between the sheets by
finding out about your sexual personalities. Image: Corbis
1. Which of these sexual scenarios can you most relate to?
a) Watching a sexy flick together, sharing an erotic massage, or indulging in a bit of risque role playing.
b) A romantic escapade without the kids – no tech gadgets allowed either.
c) Missionary sex, followed by a good night’s sleep.
2. You’re on holiday and the couple in the next room is making love noisily. How do you react?
a) I feel like getting it on myself and wake my spouse up for a little nooky.
b) Although I’m a little aroused, I put my pillow over my head and try to block out the sounds.
c) I’m embarrassed and complain to the hotel manager about how thin the walls are.
3. When was the last time you had sex?
a) The question is: When am I not having sex? Or at least, thinking about it.
b) I have it scheduled for every Tuesday night.
c) I can’t remember – maybe a few months ago?
4. During sex, your spouse surprises you with a new sexual position. What’s your reaction?
a) Oh wow, bring it on!
b) Hmm…this is different.
c) What on earth was that?
5. Are you usually the one who initiates sex?
a) Almost always, because I’m the horny one in our marriage.
b) Only when I feel like we haven’t had sex in a while.
c) Not really, and I pretend to be asleep when I think my partner wants some action.
6. Which of the following best describes your orgasm?
a) Fabulous – I almost always come, because I am in tune with myself sexually and my spouse knows how I like to be pleasured.
b) When I do come, it’s far from earth shattering, but I suppose that’s normal. And of course, I’m sure it could be better.
c) My orgasms are always the same – short and sweet. I’ve heard of multiple orgasms and prolonged orgasms, but that sounds too out-there for me.
7. You’re tired after a long day at work, but your spouse wants to make love. You think:
a) Yes, yes, yes, I could do with the release!
b) The kids’ homework comes first, and if I still have energy left over, then maybe…
c) But we had sex last week already!
8. Which sentence do you most associate with sex?
a) An absolute pleasure, a very important part of my marriage, and I always make it a priority.
b) Sometimes it’s fun, except when I’m thinking about my to-do list for the next day.
c) It’s my marital duty, and because I love my spouse, I never refuse when he/she initiates it.
9. What is your favourite postsex activity?
a) I like to prolong the pleasure with some passionate kissing and fondling.
b) I check in on the kids or send an e-mail on my Blackberry.
c) I kiss my spouse goodnight, put my clothes back on and go to sleep.
10. Your spouse talks dirty to you while having sex.
a) I say something equally filthy – what a turn-on!
b) I laugh and say: “Oh, stop, you sound so weird!”
c) I am so mortified I just mumble something incoherent back.
IF YOU ANSWERED …
- MOSTLY As: You are Lascivious Linda or Horny Harry. You have a high sex drive, enjoy making love often and are always thinking of ways to spice it up. You are also up for experimentation in the bedroom. Sex is a priority for you and essential for a healthy marriage.
- MOSTLY Bs: You are Tame Tara or Moderate Michael. You’re quite balanced when it comes to sex. When your spouse wants it, you oblige, unless you’re too tired or busy. You’re open to introducing new elements into your lovemaking as long as it’s not too over the top. To you, sex is something that should be enjoyed in moderation.
- MOSTLY Cs. You are Stuffy Sally or Goody-Goody Gordon. You love your spouse, but don’t feel that sex is necessary for a marriage to work. You have a conservative or straight-laced attitude when it comes to sexual matters, and think that new positions and sex toys are for sexually depraved folk. You are seldom keen to try out something new in bed.
HOW TO BOOST YOUR BEDROOM INTIMACY
Now that you and your husband have discovered your sexual personalities, it’s time to look at how in tune you are in bed. We’ve paired up all six personalities to come up with nine possible combinations.
Find your combination, and then, whether your sex life is hot or ho-hum, read Singapore clinical sexologist Martha Lee’s expert tips to improve your relationship between the sheets.
1. YOU’RE LASCIVIOUS LINDA & HE’S HORNY HARRY
It’s fantastic that you have an active sex life. To heighten your sexual awareness and connectedness even more, try Tantra.
- Try Tantra: Tantra which originated in India about 6,000 years ago, focuses on ways to pleasure your spouse and rekindle the passion and romance in your relationship. It teaches you how to be aware of each other’s bodies, breathing and movements, and helps you slow down during sex in order to relish your sensuality as well as your partner’s.
- Read Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas, for a start; the book is available on Amazon. Once you’ve tried Tantra, you will find yourselves more in tune with each other emotionally and physically and that will make for even more satisfying – and emotionally connected – sex.
2. YOU’RE LASCIVIOUS LINDA & HE’S MODERATE MICHAEL
You wish your husband were more imaginative in bed, and he often wonders how he can please you better.
- Try slowly incorporating sex toys and mutual masturbation, or some new moves – foreplay or sexual positions – that you think would bring out his more adventurous side.
- Tell or show him what you like to get him to be more expressive in bed. When he does please you, encourage and compliment him.
- Suggest attending a workshop together to learn new sexual techniques. Martha offers a “Petting the Kitty” workshop, which teaches vulva massage. If neither of you is keen, you can watch online videos together from home – Martha says it’s not illegal to view sexually explicit media online in the privacy of your home if you do not download them.
3. YOU’RE LASCIVIOUS LINDA & HE’S GOODY-GOODY GORDON
You and your hubby are at opposite ends of the sexual spectrum, so don’t take it personally if he is not as expressive as you’d like him to be, or won’t go with what you want, Martha says.
- Understand that he has his own inhibitions – it has nothing to do with you.
- Do reflect on your tone and approach when you suggest something to him. Have you told him how much it would mean to you if he tried something new? If he does make the effort to please you, thank him – regardless of the outcome. This way, he might be more open in future.
- Find out why if he gets judgmental when you, say, talk dirty to him in bed or spring a new position on him. Ask him questions till you see his point of view. You’ll slowly come to understand what works for him and what doesn’t – and come to a middle ground with him when it comes to sex.
4. YOU’RE TAME TARA & HE’S HORNY HARRY
You’re happy to coast along, but your hubby wants sex and often, says Martha. Is he penetrating you too quickly? Like many women, you may just need extra time to get aroused.
- Help him achieve his first orgasm through masturbation or oral sex, to relieve his sexual tension. Then, when you are sufficiently aroused or have had your first orgasm, you can have penetrative sex so he can orgasm the second time.
- Try adding a little fantasy to the sex to spice things up. Think about what turns you on, for example, lingerie, perfume, candles or sexy music, and use them when you make love. If there is some way your husband can turn you on further that you’ve not tried yet, bring it up to him.
- Above all, he has to respect that your sex drives are different. He must listen to you, honor your body and feelings.
- Read books like Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction by Dr Debby Herbenick, and Real Sex for Real Women by Dr Laura Berman, to help you be better skilled in bed.
- Try a sexual technique workshop; it might also help you increase your repertoire.
5. YOU’RE STUFFY SALLY & HE’S MODERATE MICHAEL
Your hubby might find it difficult connecting with you sexually. He might not be that adventurous in bed, but he might also want a little more than the traditional sex you’re used to and is unable to broach the subject with you.
- Help him out a little. You could benefit from an honest sharing. Let him share with you how he thinks your sex life can be improved, and you can tell him how having sex makes you feel, and why you might be afraid to try new things.
- You can read The Joy of Sex, an illustrated sex manual by Dr Alex Comfort, and talk about what you’ve learnt from it.
6. YOU’RE TAME TARA & HE’S GOODY-GOODY GORDON
Your sex life may not be all that exciting because you’re not bringing all of yourselves to the table (or bed). Lack of enthusiasm is stopping you from being all that you can be – between the sheets.
- Talk it through – tell each other what you like, come up with ideas on how to introduce more passion to the bedroom, or increase your post-coital closeness by cuddling and kissing after sex.
- Make sex a priority by planning sex dates – that way you’ll also have something to look forward to.
- Think of how you can seduce your hubby with suggestive talk, role playing, etc. And he must learn to relax and be open to trying new things. After all, sex should be fun!
- Try attending a communication workshop: If you feel you have trouble telling each other what you want, you might both benefit from a communication workshop, such as the kind offered by Marriage Central.
7. YOU’RE TAME TARA & HE’S MODERATE MICHAEL
Just because your sex life is routine or not mind-blowing like your friends’, it doesn’t mean you’re going to split up or that you’re in the danger zone. There’s no problem unless one of you thinks there is one.
- It won’t hurt to talk about how sex could be better for each of you. Suggest a “sex review”, during which you can discuss openly and honestly what each of you feels about your sex life and how to improve it. Both of you should list three things that you would like to try, and then decide which to incorporate the next time you have sex.
- If you have a sex schedule, or set aside a special occasion for it, start thinking about it a few hours before you get together, to initiate feelings of arousal.
- Send a sexy SMS to your spouse that morning, saying how much you’re longing to get naked with him/her. The build-up will create excitement and this will make for better, more passionate lovemaking when you finally get busy.
8. YOU’RE STUFFY SALLY & HE’S HORNY HARRY
You’re practically a virgin when it comes to sex and your hubby, well, is wild and experimental in bed.
- There is no right or wrong when it comes to sex. It’s really a matter of preference and it’s important that your highly sexed hubby understands and respects your boundaries as well. It is important for him not to see you as “bad” or blame you if you do not want to try something new.
- Be honest with him about how often you need to have sex versus how often you would like to have sex, Martha suggests. For many men, sex is about fulfilling a physical need, while for women, it tends to be more about the physical and emotional connectedness.
- Take turns planning sex date nights so each of you gets to make love in the way you prefer.
9. YOU’RE STUFFY SALLY & HE’S GOODY-GOODY GORDON
You both have the same sexual personality, so it’s easy for you to understand each other.
- Talk about it. If you believe your sex life could be even better, talk about it and come to an agreement about how to make it more passionate and exciting.
- You could try one thing differently every time you have sex. For example, instead of making love at night, do it in the morning. Or leave a small light on instead of having sex in complete darkness.
- Make it a bit more interesting by making sure each encounter is slightly different from the last, and discuss how it felt; did you both enjoy it? Is it something you would do again? How can you vary it for next time? By trying one different thing every week or fortnight, you will slowly but progressively expand your sexual repertoire.
Dr Martha Lee is a clinical sexologist and founder of Eros Coaching, a coaching company that provides coaching and counselling services on sexuality and intimacy. To find out more about Eros Coaching, email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com or visit www.eroscoaching.com.
This article was originally published in SimplyHer March 2011.