From The Straits Times    |

How to ask your man for what you want during sex

Image: 123rf.com

Most of us have zero difficulty asking for a promotion or a pay raise, but when it comes to asking for what we want in bed, we clam up. Melissa* is a classic example. When she’s at work, the 34-year-old communications manager says that she always stands her ground and goes after what she thinks she deserves. In the bedroom, however, it’s a different story. “Some nights I need more affection than usual but I don’t know how to ask my husband for that,” she shares. “I also want more passionate sex, but I’m too afraid to bring it up, because that’s assuming that the sex we’re having isn’t passionate enough already.”

Joan* is the same. The 30-year-old graphic designer considers herself sexually adventurous but doesn’t dare ask her long-term partner to try new sex positions. “I’m always keen to experiment with positions and locations, but I fear that if I broach the subject with Kevin*, he might think I was a freak,” she explains. “It’s funny how I can talk to him about our finances and family issues, but I can’t do the same about my own sexual desires.”

Why can’t we be upfront about our sexual needs?

It’s important to be honest with your partner about all aspects of your relationship – and that includes sex. The main reason why it’s difficult for so many of us to bring up the subject is because it’s not part of our culture. Sexual pleasure wasn’t something that was discussed around the dinner table or in school. Growing up, we were socialised into thinking that “good girls” weren’t forward about sex. 

Because of how we were raised, many of us are just too shy, fearful or embarrassed to discuss sex with our partners. We worry about being perceived as “abnormal” or “deviant”. We wonder, “What will he think of me if I tell him that I want him to go down on me more often or that I want to bring a sex toy to bed with us?”. There’s also that wariness about offending our men. Jessica* would like to have sex with her husband more often than twice a month but says that she’s fearful about insulting him. “It’s like telling him, ‘You’re not giving me enough pleasure’, or ‘You’re not really a man because you don’t seem as sexual as the typical man’,” explains the 29-year-old finance executive. “It’s not easy asking for a solution to the problem without accusing him of being the problem.”

And many of us just don’t know how to ask for what we want. “How do you tell your man that you like rough sex, or that you’d like him to be more verbal in bed?” asks Rachel*, 33. “It’s not like telling him that he needs to help out around the house more. Sex-related requests are a different kettle of fish.”

Why sexual honesty is so important  

Honesty in a relationship is about more than just staying faithful or being truthful to your partner. In addition to mutual respect and trust, a strong, healthy relationship is also based on sexual honesty. Sexual honesty encompasses many things. Faking your orgasm, for one, is being sexually dishonest. So is saying “yes” when you actually mean “no”. But not sharing your sexual preferences or desires with your partner also counts as sexual dishonesty. By neglecting your sexual needs out of embarrassment or a fear of offending your man, you set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. 

Thirty-year-old accountant Lisa* shares how sexual dishonesty on her part caused her to resent her partner for over a year: “My sex life with Mike* was unsatisfying but I didn’t know how to discuss it with him so I held it back. The frustration grew into anger, and pretty soon I was blaming him for more than his inability to please me in bed. One day we had a huge fight; he told me that I’d been acting very mean towards him. There was a lot of crying and screaming, and I finally told him how I’d been feeling. He was shocked. ‘Why didn’t you tell me all this before?’ he asked. I shouldn’t have let things get to that point.”

We can’t read each other’s minds, and nobody should have to guess what you like or don’t like. So the only want to get what you want in bed is to be open and honest about it. More than improving your sex life, it is one of many ways to honour your relationship and strengthen the emotional connection with your man.

How to have that challenging conversation

Now that you’re ready to be more open with your man about your sexual needs, it’s important to know how to go about it. While we all have different communication styles, being respectful and tactful is a must. Avoid starting your conversations with “You never”, “You won’t” and “You can’t”. Using accusatory language will only your man feel inadequate or get defensive. Remember, this is not a you-versus-him situation. It’s about working together to improve your sex life. 

It’s also best to be positive when putting your requests forward. For example, instead of telling your guy what you don’t like, talk about what he can do to make your sex life better while reminding him about all the ways he already pleases you in bed. 

Sometimes, using body language is better than talking. Instead of telling your partner what moves you like, show him. For instance, while in bed, guide his hands or mouth towards those places that you want him to pay more attention to, or go ahead an initiate a new sexual position that you want to try. Want to introduce dirty talk while making love? Just go ahead and do it.

There are some instances where you may need to speak up, though. Here are a few ideas to navigate those tricky conversations. 

You want: Sex to last longer
Say: “Sweetie, let’s not rush this. Let’s take our time with each other tonight because I love how it feels with you.”

You want: Better quality orgasms
Say: “Hey babe, I read that this position leads to amazing orgasms. How about we try it tonight and see if it really works? It would be awesome if it did.”

You want: More intimacy
Say: “I love the way you cuddle me, it makes me feel so much closer to you. Let’s do more of that after we have sex tonight.”

You want: To try an adventurous position or different location
Say: “You know what, honey? I’m always super-aroused when I wake up. How about we try doing it in the shower tomorrow morning?”

You want: More sex
Say: “Sex with you is incredible. What do you think about doing it twice a week instead of once? I can’t get enough of you!”

You want: Your man to stop doing something specific in bed and do something else
Say: “Darling, you’re such an amazing lover. That thing you do is great, but I’d love it even more you did this instead.”

*Names have been changed